To love is…
to hold not only the fun but the fear.
to find security in what you do not know;
In what you are willing to learn.
How do you begin to forgive yourself for being unforgiving?
As I take a deep breath my heart slows down and my nerves calm. I am in a state of awareness that I often let slip away throughout my day. It is a strange time. Like floating away on the ocean, there is both calm and chaos. The sound of the water rushing by, the waves crashing. There is that calming swoosh like the echoes in a conch shell. It’s a rhythm that connects us to the earth. And yet, there is fear. In the ocean, we cannot see what is below us or even what is around us. We are vulnerable to the creatures below and the elements that encompass our being. Our bodies are living and breathing. Always wondering what is next. How will I survive? Will I survive? Can I do this alone, never mind do it at all. These thoughts are there to remind us of what life puts before us. To remember that we can ask for help. That this little piece of chaos is not the norm and that we can survive it. I take in the calm, let the sun fall over my skin and drink in its warmth. It is a puzzle this life. We make it complicated and often confusing when it need not be. Then, we ignore when it is time to stop, breathe and think long and hard about our next steps because that is what will lead us to our purpose. Learning to recognize this, this little voice in our heads that reaches out and says…follow me; I know the way. We act as if this is that ocean, filled with chaos and fear. I say breathe deep, listen to the song in the air and remember who you are. I know it’s easier said than done, if not I wouldn’t always be exploring what my soul pushes forth. But, I must, that is my fate. To grow, to risk, to dare to be more than I thought I could be. To seek the things I never thought possible. To know that whatever it is my soul acknowledges, whether, in a dream or, a thought or an idea, it can be true. My belief system is broken and now is my time to rebuild it. To have faith, not in God or the world around me, but for God’s sake…to have it in myself; the one truth I know, the one thing I have that no one else does. My heart is capable of the openness it seeks.
Is it stardust? Or, is it the reflection of the universe awakening in my tears.
I’m starting a new regular post called My 10 Minute Rants. It stems from a writing exercise, and I thought, why not share some of these unfiltered mind utterances. So here goes the first from 1/18/17.
As I watched the sun glow against the oncoming train. My mind wandered into a new world. The world of those that surround me. I started thinking about the lives of those I do not know but that I sit beside each day on the metro north train that snakes its way along the Hudson from dusk till dawn. I can’t help but wonder what is happening to them, does this election affect them, do the care. I can’t quite place my finger on my curiosity other than to say it’s fascinating to know the world is so much bigger than me.
I live in my small but broad world. No matter who we are there is a bubble that surrounds us keeping someone at bay. For some the bubble is larger and more pliable, it doesn’t break easy and allows other bubbles to connect and travel with them. Others break at the impact of something new. Instantly bursting in fear due to its fragile nature and limited experience. It is when we connect and float together that the world opens and shifts, even if we are still floating in our own private sphere. Being able to take others for the ride or jump on to become a part of something greater, it is that pliability that ensures we will live on and change the world.
I am terrified to live small. I don’t want to break, I want to be able to look at things differently, from a new perspective; one I may never have known if not for the freeloading bubble that latched on. It’s sad too when that bubble lets go, sometimes never to be seen or experience again, at least not in the same way or from the same perspective. But the experience never dies, in fact, it is passed on to a new traveler along the way at another time, perhaps when it, or you needs it most.
Often my isolation can send me floating off, distant and alone. But I know my sphere is durable and will latch on again at some point somewhere in time. There is so much to see, to learn and to teach. Yes, I too can teach. I can and should share what I know, what I have gained from those who were once a part of my journey. It is how life works. We build these worlds that seek out and connect to one another, then drift off into the unknown.
Today I am vulnerable, so that tomorrow I will be strong.
I love vignettes. There is something about capturing a moment in a story or art that needs few words to share an idea or key episode that excites me.
At the ArtsWestchester exhibit She: Deconstructing Female Identity, Laurel Garcia Colvin does just that. It this small segment of a larger installation, Colvin encompasses a fragmented world of identity and struggle.
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn. I often take for granted what is available to me, be it an experience, a book, a class or a self discovery. I don’t do that anymore.
I am grateful for an old acquaintance reaching out, getting together and reconnecting.
I am grateful for my dinner out with a new friend. I have “known” her for a number of years, it it lovely to finally get to actually know her. Why we never did this before god only knows.
I am grateful for a fantastic night out with friends, great music, great food and lots of laughter. Oh, and it was St. Patrick’s Day; my favorite color is green and my favorite meal is Corned beef and cabbage…can’t lose! I am from Southie.
I am grateful for quiet time at home working on art and enjoying my little bubby.
I am grateful for a special group of people who bring joy to my life and the opportunity given to me to know and call them friends. I am incredibly appreciative.
I am grateful for healing. One does not always recognize it until something happens that throws you off kilter, but you don’t fall. You stand tall, take a deep breath and know that moving forward is the only direction.