The colors in my head are vibrant. I’m not quite sure how to replicate them on canvas or in words, but I want to interpret them through my soul. I find the vividness exhilarating. Brilliant hues, purple, blue and yellow. Greens are filling the skies with splashes like voices scattered through my heart; the light is shining. The inspired craving of excitement and longing but, also fulfillment. Once I find this key, this bit of time that I can perceive and project there will be a new meaning to my life. It’s like when you close your eyes and the shapes behind your lids move like a lava lamp, growing, and shrinking. Bright then gone to black to be replaced by something new. Yellow perhaps. The dance is impactful, and I hold it tightly to me knowing I will need to let it go. There is silence, and yet the music plays. There is sadness yet, I feel a growing joy. I can’t explain it at all, but I know somehow I need to share this gift, this internal maze that is the essence of who I am. The bright colors under the surface, the light pulsing in an effortless means to escape. The truth is there, within the walls of my mind, flowing down to my heart, to my stomach, to my toes. It runs like a river in and out, up and down. The blood pumping, racing yet still, with moments of contentment. Finally, I find it, slowly coursing, inviting me towards it. A ghost, reaching for me in fuchsia with purple edges gleaming. I know I cannot resist. I lie down, comforted, surrounded, and hovering within myself. I am finding love. The melody spins me. I’m dizzy with delight, calm. I am ready to grow, to break free to release the light, the colors, the gifts, to share them outwardly with the world. To know who I am and where I stand. It is in this release that I will find myself.
I woke up today, did my yoga, took my shower, had my oatmeal and my luscious rich morning coffee. The air was perfect. A slight breeze wafted through the windows and the sun glared just high enough on the glass to glow but not shock my eyes. There was a healthy silence; one saturated with calming energy and a peaceful fullness.
My husband wandered in with his coffee and sat down next to me. He took a deep breath and we smiled in a silent understanding then closed our eyes for just 5 more minute before we had to start our busy days.
These are the times I acknowlege the gift of my new home, the comfort of my couch and the security I have built in my life.
Walking down the village main street of Cold Springs. It smells like vacation: a faint scent of firewood and river tides. That sticky cotton candy smell a dropped ice cream cone gives after sitting hours in the August sun. An Elvis tribute artist plays at the Silver Spoon Cafe drawing us back to simpler days. There’s an air of excitement. Fireworks tomorrow; I envision children running up and down the street with sparklers as energetic mutts chase their tails.
I smile silently. My heart is quiet, beating softly as we hold hands like high school kids just discovering the twinges and jitters of true love. By the river’s edge he points to look up, the stars reel quickly toward the horizon. We watch as they disappear in the distance one by one behind the silhouette of the Storm King hills. Our closeness is silent, our lives content.
Good morning! or at least that’s how I felt as I stood on the doorway snapping these pictures. Oddly this day was the day we discovered we are now the local bird sanctuary. Earlier in the day a dove that was, shall we say, not having a good day sat on that very birdbath in the above shot in what seemed to be shock. Her feathers were askew and stiff as a statue. Her eyes were wide. I again like with Mr. Blue grabbed the telephoto for a better look.
Up close I could see a cut on her side, a swollen chest and a not so symmetrical wing that seemed more to be hanging then resting. I brought my husband Scott out yet again and we discussed next steps. I called the wildlife lady again, I believe we will be getting to know one another well over the next few years, and set up a time to bring the lopsided lady over (I have no idea if it’s a girl, but since I decided Mr. Blue, our last bird story, was a Mr…why not).
The little lady made her way to the ground and wandered the yard. In the meantime the birdbath became a play-date for everyone else. I swear in the 20 minutes I stood there at least 50 birds came and went, splashing and luxuriating in the aqueous coolness while the sun obligingly danced on their feathers. It was such fun to capture them in their revelry.
The photo above reminds me of when I was about 5 and my cousin and I used to share a bath. It was fun and gratifying. I loved the water as a child. If there was a pool I was in it. A bath was like the playground, especially since in our apartment there was only a stand-up shower in the corner of the bedroom. The bath was a place to create adventures, be saved mermaids and sing to our hearts content. It was the best darn pool Barbie had. I love seeing these two little guys full of joy and satisfaction; it moves me. It reminds me.
So much for not being a bird lover…just another reminder of personal growth and learned appreciation for the world around me.
Oh, and for the little lady, she was dropped off yesterday to the rescue lady in a box. She seemed good with being caught, I think she knew we wanted to help. I did say I hope Mr. Blue would let others know they would be safe with us…maybe he heard me.
Good luck Miss Lolli!
Last night at a friend’s place for an Independence Day cookout, a nice group of us gathered to sit, laugh, eat great food and enjoy one another’s company. It was a perfect and the weather was wonderful. Soft cool breezes danced by as the music of Sinatra and big bands played.
With all that there was about a half hour where everything stopped. Everyone gathered along the wall smiling and sharing, taking in the joy of one of our greatest gifts here on earth…a simple sunset!
His laugh opens doors.
An inviting soul is his;
A gift to us who know.
I love this picture for two reasons. One is that its a great photo and it was taken in a moment when my creativity recently took off again. Two is that its a reminder. This was taken at Fort Wetherill in Jamestown,Jamestown, Rhode Island. My family and I went there a few months back to get out and chill out for the day. For me it is far more than that.
In high school my best friend Shawn and I would spend hours on the weekends climbing the cliffs and wandering the abandoned fort, talking and laughing for hours. In college I went often with my friends Liam, Gamache or Jonathan and sometimes a group of us. It’s a beautiful ragged place filled with forgotten history and caverns of secrets. To this day some of my most vivid and favorite memories are sitting on the rocks in one of the many coves listening as the waves crashed against the cliff walls. To me it will always be magical and is a huge symbol of creativity, friendship, memories and dreams.
I think I’m thinking of this site, because I am seeking. There is a mystery in the tunnels and caverns of that old fort, places to be re-discovered. These locales have been filled with debris; covered and sealed to keep others out or warn them of possible danger. I’m realizing this is a bit of where I have been. Hiding in the caverns and under the facade of danger.
As I start digging myself out I am realizing that I have covered and hid so much beauty. I have forgotten about the precious secrets and ignored the treasures lying in the debris. Its a puzzle. I am pulling my world apart not to rebuild or change whats there, but so that I can actually see what exists. There is such potential and life behind the walls and within the mysteries. Its exciting! Under and inside all of this is who I am and how I got to where I am.
It’s as if I’ve climbed out from a dark place and there is a new world to explore. It has been a week of acceptance and breath, of peace and true clam. Today I have managed to do a bit of everything I love. I am moved by the simplicity. I have uncovered the joy I feel in a quiet day filled with thought, nature, physical exertion, friendship, love and art. I have a new perspective and clarity. The time I have had for my recovery has been more than physical, it has given me the nourishment my soul has been searching for.
One of my favorite things is sitting outside on a beautiful day in the sun reading something philosophical. Rumi is of course a go to with fun hat and sunshine; this is how a fantastic Saturday begins.
This week I’m grateful for …
-My husband who is always by my side.
-My mom for her love.
-Dear friends who’ve made me feel good this week: Michael for a great hug he didn’t know I needed. Jesse & Richard for a great night out and fun plans to look forward to. Sheila, my inspiration to write again and partner in a new endeavor and Pam for everything Pam is for me and Pixie who’s always taken care of me.
-Seltzer water, I really to enjoy it.
-My couch today which I have thoroughly enjoyed.
-And my dishwasher…I LOVE my dishwasher!
This is one of those weeks that has had so much happening its hard to keep track. I actually missed my post yesterday not realizing it was a new day and today I’m posting at midnight.
My head is in a whirlwind. I’ve had events, appointments and dinner dates. I’ve meditated and contemplated. Written and discussed. I have worked to be open and confronted demons. The cool part; ideas are flowing. My brain has been gathering and organizing colors, words, designs and structures. I am inspired.
I am working hard to just let it come as it comes with no judgement on what I am doing or how. I’m just writing it down. Its hard. I have believed for so long that I have to choose. Choose one love over another. One idea over another. One project over another. I never considered the exploration of how the connective threads between them flow.
If I really am honest, I’d go into each situation starting with its limitations as opposed to its possibilities. I’d find ways to separate and define instead of gather and dissect. Patience and process time have never been my guide; until now.
In my meditations this week a project I have been contemplating for a year came together so clearly in my mind’s eye. It showed itself in its simplistic and most impactful form. It became universal. I now know what to do.
I’ve also uncovered my fractured relationship with time. I’ve discovered how interwoven fear has become with it, as it relates to my life. I remember in college during our deep intoxicated conversations the death question would come up (as happens at those ages where we suddenly contemplate our own mortality). “Are you afraid of death”? I’ve always been the philosophical type and my answer was always, “I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid if not living”.
Ah, dah! Yes. Yes I am afraid of death and everything it means. It means not being with those I love. It means possibly not getting to say goodbye. It means I did not get finish what I believe I was meant to do. It means most terrifyingly…I may be forgotten.
I am spiritual, but I have never been a religious person. I don’t know what comes next. The only sudo proof I see of an afterlife is numerous experiences of a white light, that’s not much to go on. I believe there is something more beyond this, I have to. I hope its loved ones and guardian angels, but I’m not counting on it. Perhaps its energy. Either way it’s not here which where I want and intend to be for a very long time.
So this busy week and these many observations are reminding me how precious this life is. That I have been so afraid of time I have been hiding from so much of my of my own life. For what?
I am paying attention to new things. I am open to ideas and change. I am looking for new perspectives on old views and embracing my own hand on what I hope to be a very long journey. I want to share who I am, what I know and feel. I want to be a part of the universe around me. I want to devour time with the joy of living, not hide from it in fear.
I am here now, that is what matters. Now is when to stop worrying about doing more and start paying clear and close attention to what it is I am doing.
Time simply is what it is. Life is what we make it to be. I plan on making mine extraordinary.