This is one of those weeks that has had so much happening its hard to keep track. I actually missed my post yesterday not realizing it was a new day and today I’m posting at midnight.
My head is in a whirlwind. I’ve had events, appointments and dinner dates. I’ve meditated and contemplated. Written and discussed. I have worked to be open and confronted demons. The cool part; ideas are flowing. My brain has been gathering and organizing colors, words, designs and structures. I am inspired.
I am working hard to just let it come as it comes with no judgement on what I am doing or how. I’m just writing it down. Its hard. I have believed for so long that I have to choose. Choose one love over another. One idea over another. One project over another. I never considered the exploration of how the connective threads between them flow.
If I really am honest, I’d go into each situation starting with its limitations as opposed to its possibilities. I’d find ways to separate and define instead of gather and dissect. Patience and process time have never been my guide; until now.
In my meditations this week a project I have been contemplating for a year came together so clearly in my mind’s eye. It showed itself in its simplistic and most impactful form. It became universal. I now know what to do.
I’ve also uncovered my fractured relationship with time. I’ve discovered how interwoven fear has become with it, as it relates to my life. I remember in college during our deep intoxicated conversations the death question would come up (as happens at those ages where we suddenly contemplate our own mortality). “Are you afraid of death”? I’ve always been the philosophical type and my answer was always, “I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid if not living”.
Ah, dah! Yes. Yes I am afraid of death and everything it means. It means not being with those I love. It means possibly not getting to say goodbye. It means I did not get finish what I believe I was meant to do. It means most terrifyingly…I may be forgotten.
I am spiritual, but I have never been a religious person. I don’t know what comes next. The only sudo proof I see of an afterlife is numerous experiences of a white light, that’s not much to go on. I believe there is something more beyond this, I have to. I hope its loved ones and guardian angels, but I’m not counting on it. Perhaps its energy. Either way it’s not here which where I want and intend to be for a very long time.
So this busy week and these many observations are reminding me how precious this life is. That I have been so afraid of time I have been hiding from so much of my of my own life. For what?
I am paying attention to new things. I am open to ideas and change. I am looking for new perspectives on old views and embracing my own hand on what I hope to be a very long journey. I want to share who I am, what I know and feel. I want to be a part of the universe around me. I want to devour time with the joy of living, not hide from it in fear.
I am here now, that is what matters. Now is when to stop worrying about doing more and start paying clear and close attention to what it is I am doing.
Time simply is what it is. Life is what we make it to be. I plan on making mine extraordinary.