This truly is my first challenge. Aside from the commitment I have made this week, I have also decided to give each day a purpose, and Friday is to think about my week. I would have thought this would be one of the easiest of assignments for myself, but it’s not.
I find myself combing through, wondering what’s important enough to share and thinking more about what I haven’t accomplished than what I have. But as I write this I’m discovering that what I need is to review is what I have learned and I have actually learned a lot.
First I have seen firsthand and faced where many of my ticks and issues come from like a mirror being held in front of me and, instinctively it made me angry. I’m not angry at anyone, I simply want to be different myself – so yesterday I was able to laugh and use that moment and this commitment of writing to gain clarity, to move forward, to laugh and let it go.
Second I am extremely busy, busy with so many things that do not serve my personal goals. I love everything and everyone I am committed to, however I am to busy giving my time away from myself; committing to this blog has made it obvious. I had a conversation about how difficult it is for me to step away from family or put outside tasks second to take an hour or two to do my work, somehow it always comes last. I believe others are counting on me so that takes priority, even if it’s simply sitting in a room with my family for as long as they are there so that they know I love them. The reality is that they know I love them and those I work with know I am committed, I have never shown anything but. The only one who doesn’t know is me. It’s not selfish to put myself first, it’s necessary.
Three, for whatever reason in observing these things in myself today my emotions were fierce. I found myself missing those who’ve meant so much to me and realizing how just a few years ago I lost many of the key people in my life so quickly and seemingly all at once. I see how closed off I have been, protecting myself from my own heart and wishing somehow I could change something, though I have no idea what that is. I just know that I wanted desperately to fill myself with the memory of their love.
Last, I acknowledge that there are things I have no control over, and things that are not my job to control. I do not have to teach anyone anything I don’t even have to share my thoughts; I simply have to be there and listen and love when asked.
So in retrospect I have learned that committing to and trusting in myself is what will guide me and opening my heart will change my life.